Almost one year ago, I sat in a guided meditation.
It was part of a goal setting workshop and I was overwhelmed with pain. My mind persistently skipped a beat in my thoughts, and avoided reflection, as the ache resonated from my knee.
In a slightly freakish, slightly comedic, although nonetheless agonising accident… involving a lion sized American Bulldog who was only playing (and had puppy like control of his limbs…) I had torn a ligament in my knee.
Although temporary, my leg was completely unusable. My tenacious spirit still glimmered, I continued to strive forward and had battled through the freezing weather in my Nikes, wrapped in faux fur to join my girls at the Lulu Lemon event.
My 5 year mission to achieve my version of superwoman (after the appearance of slurred speech and the onset of MS) had just been achieved. I had legitimately felt like a Spartan only weeks before! Now with a wink (and I imagine a slight cackle), life had pitched yet another curve ball my way!
I knew the silver lining had to be ready, and waiting to be polished up in the background… but I felt too disillusioned to look too hard.
As my good friend, with the stardust filled voice, guided us into that heart connection meditation, I was far from filled with joy.
I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel that anything less, than a paparazzi like influx of light bulb insights throughout my meditations, is a disappointment.
Typical human nature! Abundance must be associated with volume, having it all!
However that evening I had one of the most abundant insights of my life and it was only one single thought.
I vowed, as a goal that I felt came directly from my heart and soul… to put myself and my own feelings first. For the first time in my life. No matter what… It felt like time.
There were some shadows of what this actually represented, lurking in the back of my brain, yet to be truly considered let alone acknowledged.
So what purpose did my knee injury serve?
Simply put. My life was 100mph. I fill (or filled) every moment with something for someone else, and if I wasn’t doing something for others I was relentlessly striving to cook, clean, work, train, read, grow, socialise.
Because every moment that I filled with something to preoccupy my thoughts, was a moment that the sadness didn’t consume me. I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to sit in any sadness, fear, however likewise didn’t give myself the opportunity to truly feel joy! I didn’t have to think. And I didn’t even realise that was why I was doing it. Simply, I just kept going and moving – in the most Dori like way!
Now I didn’t have a choice but to stop. The space for reflection had been created for me. A nod from the universe that it was time to face my fears. My greatest fear was putting myself first, and potentially hurting others in doing so. By creating and setting my boundaries I was afraid that it would be difficult for the others involved. So I had always shied away.
Creating boundaries is a fear that many of us have! We often experience the anger, frustration, sadness and more that comes with allowing others to over step what we feel is acceptable – because we don’t want to make their lives harder. Ring a bell?
So with that space… I was able to reflect on what facing my fears, putting myself first and setting boundaries actually meant in my life.
Back to the puppy. That my friend, was the purpose that the chaotic 60kg puppy running through my knee from side on… had served! Expedited by a starlight filled voice guiding me through a heart connection meditation.
I didn’t now it yet but I was about to change my life.